The Skinny Jeans Committee

Last year I bought some new jeans.  A friend of mine complimented them, said they were very flattering, then thought a second, tilted her head, and said, "you, know, you might be a candidate for skinny jeans."  I loved her word choice, and I couldn't help but picture the committee in charge of the approval process. 

"Hello, so, you think you might be qualified for some skinny jeans?"
"Um, yes, I was told I might be up for consideration."
"Sure, well, you're qualified physically- you're definitely in that twelve year old boy build category, so we're OK there.  However, I can see you're over forty, so we'll just need to go over a few questions before we finalize your case.  First question...

Where do you typically wear jeans?
A. Daily, while doing my physically demanding outdoor job
B. At home while I'm making my homemade applesauce, tending to my organic garden, or leading the neighborhood kids in creative art projects.
C. Only on Fridays when it's allowed at work 

"C.  Definitely C."

"OK, can you describe your fashion sensibility?  I'll give you a few options here...

A. Fitted yoga gear is really the best way to show off my sculpted, toned body.
B. I love what Ann Taylor is doing with beige this year.
C.Sometimes I check to see if my clothes match.
D. It's all about pushing the envelope, cutting edge, questioning convention ..."

 "That would be B."

"Great.  You're what we'd call qualified, but functioning at a remedial level.  We'll just need to review some basic policies with you.  Now, you understand that the jeans are not to be worn in combination with appliqued sweatshirts, or any tent-like garments?"

"Right."

"And it is expected that you wear your actual size, not two sizes too large.  Also, this permit does not allow you to resurrect jeans from 1986 and use safety pins to tighten them down at the ankle."

"Oh, OK.  Wait.  Do you have a pen?  I need to write down that part about wearing my actual size."

"Yes.  So as long as they fit, they were manufactured within the last five years, it looks like you'll be OK.  Now before we sign off, do you understand that this permit is only good for five years?"

"No, I didn't realize that.  Do I apply for renewal after five years then?"

"No, these will actually be completely out of style in two years.  However, due to your age, you're allowed to wear them up to five years.  Enjoy your jeans."